You Didn’t Lose Yourself. You Lent Yourself Out and Forgot to Ask for Her Back.
- Puleng Maitin
- May 5
- 3 min read
She was wild once, had opinions, playlists, and plans that didn’t revolve around anyone else’s dinner. Then she became “wife,” then “mom,” and somewhere between school lunches and silent dinners, she vanished. If your throat just tightened reading this, I see you. You are not broken, ungrateful, or a bad wife or mother. You are simply buried deep beneath the layers of otherhoods. The real you, the woman who existed before all the roles, is still there, waiting to be woken up.
This post is for you—the woman who gave pieces of herself away for peace, love, and survival, and now feels anxious, exhausted, and guilty for wanting more. It’s time to reclaim your identity.
How It Happens
No one warns you that compromise in marriage can slowly become self-erasure. You put your kids first for years, and suddenly you don’t know what you like for breakfast. Love can feel like slow suffocation when there’s no room left for you.
You didn’t disappear overnight. You gave pieces away:
When you stopped that hobby because there was no time.
When you bit your tongue to keep the house calm.
When “someday I’ll...” became your most-used sentence.
Each piece seemed small, but together they built a wall between you and the woman you used to be.
You’re Grieving
What you’re feeling is grief for the woman who still exists inside you. She’s been quiet for a long time, but she’s not gone.
Grief can show up as:
Anxiety that feels like a tight knot in your chest.
Snapping at your kids, then crying alone in the pantry.
Scrolling through your phone at 2 a.m., wondering if this is all there is.
This isn’t dysfunction. It’s your system sending a message: “I miss her. Bring her back.”
You Don’t Have to Burn It All Down
This isn’t a call to leave your marriage or family. You have real reasons to stay: love, children, shared history, hope. You can want more inside the life you already have.
There’s a third way beyond suffocating or leaving: stay and start reclaiming yourself.
Where to Start When You Don’t Know Where To
Reclaiming your identity feels overwhelming, especially when you don’t know where to begin. Here are practical steps to help you start:
1. Recognise Your Feelings
Acknowledge your feelings without judgment. Feeling anxious, resentful, or exhausted doesn’t make you a bad mother or wife. It means you’re human.
2. Create Small Moments for Yourself
You don’t need hours to reconnect. Start with 5-10 minutes a day:
Listen to a song you loved before motherhood.
Write a sentence or two in a journal.
Take a short walk alone.
These small acts remind you who you are beyond your roles.
3. Revisit Old Passions
Think about what you loved before your life changed. Did you enjoy painting, reading, running, or dancing? Pick one and schedule time for it weekly.
4. Set Boundaries
Learn to say no to things that drain you unnecessarily. Protect your time and energy. For example, if you’re always the one organising family events, ask your partner or others to share the responsibility.
5. Seek Support
Talk to friends who understand or join a group of women going through similar experiences. Sometimes just knowing you’re not alone can be powerful.
6. Practice Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself. You gave so much to your family, and now it’s okay to give some back to yourself.
Embracing Change Without Guilt
Change is not betrayal. Wanting to rediscover yourself doesn’t mean you love your family less. It means you want to be whole.
Remind yourself that your happiness benefits everyone around you.
Model self-care and authenticity for your children.
Understand that evolving is part of life’s journey.
Moving Forward
Reclaiming your identity is a process, not a one-time event. It takes patience, courage, and small, consistent steps. The woman you lost is still inside you, waiting to be heard and seen.
Start today by choosing one small action that feels right. You deserve to live a life that includes the real you.
If this hit home
You don’t have to figure this out alone, or all at once. If you want someone in your corner while you start digging, I offer a free 15-min call. No fixing. No pressure. Just space to breathe and say it out loud.
You’re allowed to take up space again.
You’re allowed to want air.
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